Everything I Know I Learned From Watching Telenovelas

Lucky No. 13

Maria who?

She knows exactly how you like your morning coffee, is perfectly aware of where your wife stashes her jewelry (and has probably “borrowed” a piece or two over the years), and folds your chones to boot.

She’s the maid. She is armed [with a feather duster] and dangerous, and she will always come out on top.

Case in point: this monument to Pledge and Windex by the name of Mildred Patricia Baena who fathered former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s hasta la vista anchor baby; effectively putting Brown inside the Governor’s mansion way before Jerry ever did.

She wears sweat pants during the summer, she is sexy, diligent and much like Momma Elsa a woman of this century.

Ever the multitasker, she can simultaneously remove your ring around the collar and give you a bj while leaving no streaks.

Though the 50-year-old stunner just made a splash onto the scene—much like her natural scent of Cloralex and lavender Fabuloso—expect for her place in infamy to be eternal.

Somewhere in a broom closet right now, Lupe Ontiveros is beaming.

Mildred pic via her now-deleted MySpace.

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