El Chupacabras Mystery Solved!

Rest easy tonight, your goats can finally roam free.

The dreaded Chupacabra mystery has finally been solved by psychologist Benjamin Radford and deemed not a hoax, but rather a case of mistaken identity, as the feared creatures behind blood-sucked carcasses are probably just coyotes with a severe case of mange.”

Still some (including my abuelita) remain skeptical.

“The thing about myths is that people want to believe in things. I suppose that, in a perverse way, there’s something comforting in that there’s this vampiric monster that doesn’t attack humans.”

Radford tells LiveScience.

“True that,” El Santo responded.

Another theory behind the beast could be that of Hollywood confabulation.

Inspired by the first new monster to make a splash in the internet age and give Big Foot and Nessie a run for their money, Radford traveled to the cradle of Chupacabras sightings, Puerto Rico, to further prove his point.

There he interviewed Madelyne Tolentino the fist eye-witness to ever spot the creature, and who is famous for having described it as a prickly-backed alien hybrid to the local paper who immediately ran a composite. 

He found out that the woman had seen the movie Species—which features alien/human hybrids a few weeks earlier.

“What I’ve tried to do is take the whole El Chupacabra enchilada and break it into small mysteries and then solve those mysteries,” Radford said. “There’s no place else for those mysteries to hide now. If I haven’t solved every piece of it, then I don’t know what I’m missing. It’s all there.”

“Hold on, Chupacabra Enchilada? That has quite the right to it,” a Taco Bell executive was overheard saying.

Anyone else find it weird that as Chupacabras sightings have dwindled, Momma Elsa appearances are at an all-time high?

Featured image by Brian McCarty.

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