The Gospel According to Momma Elsa

Elsa Real Housewives MiamiI’ll admit it.

Since her debut three weeks ago on The Real Housewives of Miami, I’ve developed a big ol’ Zonkey crush on  Elsa Patton.

Not an actual ‘Housewife’ herself, the 76-year-old stunner is the season’s undisputed star and on this week’s episode she was dishing out life coaching advise left and right in a series of disconnected rants I present to you bellow.

(For full effect, pronounce with a Charo on a double dose of Novocaine drawl):

“Oh, I’m freezing in this town!”

“Oh, I have a hangover.”

“This is not my dress anyway, this is my nightgown.”

“You know what? I hate to tell you, but most things look good on me.”

“You look good today. I saw a picture of Michael Jackson with a shirt like that.”

“It’s naathing better looking than a macho men dressed like a girl.”

“I’m not much of a drinker, but once I start drinking I feel goood.”

“I mean, I didn’t come to this country to have paper flowers!”

“You two are so ignorant.”

“I didn’t marry a gringo to have paper flowers.”

“No, no, no! We don’t have paper flowers in Cuba. We…no, no, no, no. In Cuba we didn’t even have to pay for the flowers. You walk to your neighbor and you esteel them from her house and bring them to yours.” 

“You know that I’m a…what is that I am? Em…I’m a witch!

Words to live by, indeed.

I’ve been using these phrases interchangeably today and have not only gotten looks of admiration, but also a free postage stamp and two seats on the bus just for myself.

Chew on that! Ann Landers.   

See “before” pics of the reality stunner here.

Signed digital prints of the Momma Elsa cartoon above available for purchase here.

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